How Do We Ditch the Looking Glass Self?

Welcome to the latest edition of Unlocking Your Greatness with Wendy Bjork. As an international bestselling author, inspirational speaker and guide to others, as well as founder of heartsofwellness.com, my mission is empowering others to find peace, joy and fulfillment by embracing simplicity.

In college, I only took the minimum number of sociology classes, since my focus was insurance and risk management. I may or may not have heard of Charles Horton Cooley previously, but before you start searching the interwebs for him, stick with me here.

This guy was way ahead of his time, or maybe we are simply very far behind in our evolutionary progress.

Charles Horton Cooley is known in sociology for the development of his concept for “the looking-glass self.” His book, Human Nature and the Social Order, outlines his psychological view of society. Cooley argued that the individual perceives society as an extension of herself/himself. His view of society as a set of ideas has given rise to the perspective that Cooley termed introspectionist sociology, or “sociological social psychology.”

He developed his idea for the looking-glass self through the study of primary groups. He defined a primary group as a cultural system which has such a closeness of experience among members that it produces a shared human nature. He argued that there was a common experience across all cultures. He called it the looking-glass self because a person sees herself/ himself in the behavior of others and aspires to be like them. Or to not be like them.

If you are honest with yourself, how many times a day are you feeling not as worthy, not as smart or not as ____________  as someone else? We have about 60,000 thoughts in one day.  About 75% are negative.  

Why do we torture ourselves? Or maybe we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Mr. Cooley wrote his book in 1902, over 120 years ago. We are still overly concerned about what others think of us, how we look, and we worry about what we think others think of us. It’s exacerbated by social media and it’s up to us to put a stop to it.

Kids are becoming entrapped at younger and younger ages. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Mr. Cooley also argued that there was a central role for the mind in human life. He wrote that it was the source of all knowledge and of the ability to learn. He also wrote that the mind was a storehouse of ideas and that the more ideas that were stored in the mind, the greater the capacity for learning. 

In other words, when you focus on releasing the negative thoughts, you make room for useful, happier, positive thoughts. You can be more creative, more productive and even healthier.

This takes effort, and I am confident you can do it. Start recognizing how you talk to yourself. Is what you’re saying something you would say to your best friend, your kids, or a stranger? Hopefully not.

When you find yourself thinking thoughts that are unhelpful, thank them, send them on their way and replace with a positive spin. Pretty soon, it will become automatic as with any other habit.